Ever felt like you want to quit living a miserable life? Ever been on the verge of ending all the pains and sufferings by committing suicide?
I have been there, many times before. I’m telling you now, it ain’t pretty. It’s not heaven. It’s not easy. It’s nowhere near peaceful and painless.
I’m Red. I don’t know why I am named as such. All I know is that ever since I started to hear, people have been calling me that name. Not my Granny though, she called me Tiger. Poor old lady. Didn’t see that bus coming. Anyways, I lived a pretty good life. Went to junior high and even second year college. Life was crappy. I was such a loser. I had no friends, I would eat lunch in the comfort room. Nobody would want to sit with me at the canteen. I didn’t belong to any group. I was just an outcast.
Right now I’m standing on the edge of a cliff. I really don’t know what i’m doing here. I’m quite tired of doing this. But I have no choice. I have to do this. You wanna know why? I’ll tell you why.
It was on my second year in college where I met Cylysce. She was this beautiful Norwegian transferee who really turn heads and she was on my calculus class. The first day she walked into the room, silence fell upon everyone. As if everybody’s on a trance, every eye gazed upon her. The only you sound can hear was her high heels battering the marbled floor. She took a seat not far from me, maybe two seats away, and I could smell her perfume from there. It’s as if my face is upon her neck, kissing and snuffling all her scent away. Whole five minutes passed and still not a sound, not even a hush. Cyclysce didn’t care if everyone was staring at her, she just sat there reading her calculus method book. The spell was broken when Mr. Higgins came. You would always know it was him. He would come barging in the room, clumsily dropping everything he was carrying. I wonder if he even knew that someone had invented bags. That was the day I first saw her, and fell in love. I mean it, I really fell in love. I fell so hard that it hurt and bruised my heart. But that’s how it is right? You were never really in love if you weren’t hurt, in your heart that is. Of course there’s two things that can be hurt: your heart and your ego. Those who fool around and have been fooled hurt their ego. Those who were truly in love hurt their heart.
I was lucky to be seated next to Cylysce. We hadn’t had real conversations, just comments about the weather and how Mr. Higgins has his underarm wet with perspiration. You could see all the way from the room. As if someone splashed a pail of water in his underarm. I didn’t like math very much, and so I hated calculus just the same. But Cylysce would keep asking me this questions I also couldn’t understand. In desperation, I hired a tutor for our calculus subject. Not for Cylysce, but for me. Every afternoon he would show me strategies and new methods, and the next day I would impress Cylysce by teaching her my new found knowledge. This made Cylysce and I closer. One day, she invited me to join her for lunch. I was exhilirated. The most beautiful girl in the whole school eating lunch with me. It was like heaven, walking in the canteen with Cylysce, every guy in school envied me. I was walking in the clouds with my head held up high. That was the start of our romance. We were together everyday after school, but still that wasn’t enough. I started dropping my subjects and took her subjects instead so that we could be together in all of our classes. I did everything for her. I take her for a ride to school. I let her stay in my apartment when her landlady threw her out and I had to pay her 3-month bill. I cooked dinner for her every night and I even washed her clothes. I even make her grades. I’m telling you she wasn’t smart or bright at all, she was way below average. I have to do both our assignments and projects. I would give her my answers during exams and ironically, still tutor her. I was exhausted with our relationship. But I didn’t care, I loved her. I’m glad whenever she’s glad, I would always want to see her smiling. I would do everything to make her happy, everything to keep her.
The end of the term was near and Cylysce and I were still seeing each other. One night, we were down at the beach looking at the stars. We were talking about the future and our plans. I told her about my plans. I told her how I want to marry her next year and buy a house and live together for real. I would work as a student faculty to earn money while studying and eventually we would both finish college, get real jobs and have a family of our own. I thought it sounded great, until I saw Cylysce shaking her head and snickering. I asked her what was funny. The following words that she told me changed my whole life. Well, it ruined my life.
She started with how she thought our relationship wasn’t that serious. She thought we were just fooling around and weren’t getting anywhere. She said that she really wasn’t feeling any emotions for me. I was funny and she would always laugh whenever she’s with me, that’s why she went out with me. But her feelings weren’t that deep. She said that I was sweet and caring, but she just couldn’t do the same. She thanked me for everything I did: taking her in, giving her good grades, washing her clothes, taking care of her, and even loving her. She told me one last sentence that created the most devastating impact: she said that she was going away with Stan Bailey, the popular quarterback of St. Martin’s college, at the end of the term.
All of the things she blurted out broke me. How could she do that? Why didn’t I see what was gonna happen? Why am I such a loser? Confused and angry I ran away. Away from her and away from everything that would remind me of her. That bitch! I hoped that Stan would beat her up when they’re together. I hated her! I hate that she’s such a bitch and I didn’t see it! I felt used! I was running fast. Not knowing where to go. And then I stopped suddenly. I stood before a cliff. Down in the middle of the road, around a shap curve. I stood there. Staring down at the bottom of the cliff. I didn’t know what to do. I thought of going back and saying sorry for running away, then hug and kiss her and put my arms around her neck. Then I would slide my hands to her neck and slowly strangle her. Crush her windpipe and squeeze the living shit out her. It would have felt good. Revenge and rage always feel good. But then again, I would be wanted for murder. I don’t wanna go to prison. I don’t wanna run and hide. So I thought again. And then there was the answer: jump of the cliff. Of course! Escape everything upon death. Death answers all your life’s questions and relieves you from all of the pain from this doomed world. Death is the answer! So I jumped, the wind running through my hair, burning my face and arms. I couldn’t see the bottom but I know it was not far. Soon I’ll be plunging into the dark. Never to wake up. It wouldn’t hurt, as soon as I hit the ground I’ll be dead. No more pain and suffering. No more Cylysce. No more bitches.
Now, this is where I started the story. Remember I told you how I know about suicide? How I’ve been there many times before? I know there are a lot of questions in your head right now.
Don’t worry, I’ll answer them one by one. First, did I really jump? Yes, I did. So, if I did jump, did I die? Yes, I did die. Then why the hell am I still narrating my story if I’m already dead? That, my friend, will be the next revelation.
When I jumped I fell to the ground, with a loud thud. I cracked my skull and my brain oozed out, my eyes popped from their sockets and rolled over to a nearby cowshit, my teeth were scattered all over the place, I broke my neck, my ribs crushed my heart, spleen, punctured my lungs, and all of my insides burst out from my side. My legs were broken in half and my arms were badly dislocated. I looked like a doll being beaten into a wall. I was dead. I was lifeless. I killed myself.
But then, a funny thing happened. I opened my eyes and I was on the edge of the cliff again. Feeling the same anger, rage and desperation to die. So I thought to myself maybe I was just imagining that I already jumped. Without hesitance, I jumped again. This time, I made sure that I wasn’t dreaming. Then I fell to the bottom, with a loud thud of course. The same things happened just as I imagined it, cracking my skull and my brain oozing out, eyes popping, neck breaking, insides-out, legs broken in half, and arms dislocating. It was excruciating for a second, but soon I had no life. I was sure as hell that I was dead. I am free, or so I thought.
But then, a funny thing happened. I opened my eyes and I was on the edge of the cliff again. Feeling the same anger, rage and desperation to die. So I thought to myself maybe I was just imagining that I already jumped. Without hesitance, I jumped again. This time, I made sure that I wasn’t dreaming. Then I fell to the bottom, with a loud thud of course. The same things happened just as I imagined it, cracking my skull and my brain oozing out, eyes popping, neck breaking, insides-out, legs broken in half, and arms dislocating. It was excruciating for a second, but soon I had no life. I was sure as hell that I was dead. I am free, or so I thought.
I was puzzled when I was able to twitch my eye. When you’re dead, you’re suppose to not feel anything nor move. But I felt something, and it was real. I’m suppose to be dead. I’m suppose to be friggin’ dead. I opened my eyes and there I was again on top of the cliff. I was furious. I tried to run away. The weird thing was, as I take a step, I was still on the same exact place as I was before. I was sure I was running, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was doomed to be there forever. And then, I suddenly jumped even though I didn’t move my body. It was as if some energy forced me to do it. As I hit the ground, I felt the same excruciating pain. You want to know what happened next? You guessed it, as soon as I opened my eyes, I was on top of the cliff again.
Now this is not to hard to understand as I have been doing this horrifying cycle for over a year now. I would jump, open my eyes to find myself on top of the cliff again. Then that force would make me jump, and open my eyes and there I was on top again. It was tiring but I seem to have no choice. The pain is increasing everytime, slow excruciating pain. I was cursed to do this. Sometimes passers-by would come up to me and try to talk to me, of course I can’t speak to them. Even if I can, they won’t hear me. I was a cursed soul. Eternally doomed to kill myself over and over again. And I’ll be doing this forever, or until the Earth dies out. Until then, I’m this restless suicidal ghost.
